Crashing the Honeymoon
by Accio Abarero
Summary: After the stress of the wedding, Gwen and Rhys are ready for a nice, relaxing honeymoon. But, like all things in Gwen's life, it doesn't go according to plan. Gwen/Rhys, Jack/Ianto


**Notes:** For **doylesb4** for the Gwen ficathon at **house-of-cooper** livejournal.

* * *

Crashing the Honeymoon

* * *

It had been one hell of a day. Well, most weddings usually were, but Gwen never expected her life with Torchwood and her real life to collide in this spectacular an event. In retrospect, she really should have figured that come her wedding day things would go horribly wrong.

Getting impregnated by a shape-shifting alien bite. Having said alien show up at the wedding to claim the baby. Jack barging into the ceremony at the worst possible moment. Rhys having to use the singularity scalpel to remove the baby. Rhys holding the alien off with a chainsaw. Jack blasting it to bits with some fancy Torchwood gun. Oh, and of course, the fact that all the guests that weren't from Torchwood got retconned of the whole thing.

Just another day in the life of Gwen Cooper, now Williams.

So it didn't surprise her in the least bit when room service delivered an envelope the next morning adorned with Ianto's handwriting and containing a slew of goodies. A fully paid trip to a beach resort: including first class airfare, a honeymoon suite and unlimited room service. Gwen practically bounced as she happily showed Rhys the gift her Torchwood occupation had landed them.

She should have been suspicious then; really, she should have. But it just seemed like nothing more than a kind gesture and an apology for the chaos.

* * *

On the flight there, her inner cop once again felt like things were just a little _too_ perfect. They'd been enjoying wonderful first class service in the roomy front cabin when Rhys had turned to her and remarked.

"It's quite amazing that Jack would go to all this trouble for us, dontcha think?"

Gwen shrugged it off, "The others probably got on his case for crashing the wedding. Or retconning our guests. Or both. Or perhaps he's just being nice; you know Jack is capable of it from time to time."

Rhys grinned, "Well, I'm just glad were going far away from that bloody rift and all the nonsense it spews out. Having an action packed wedding is one thing, but the honeymoon should be relaxing."

"Oh really? But I was hoping for a _different_ kind of action, Mr. Williams," Gwen teased. Rhys leaned forward and kissed her, whispering in her ear as he pulled away.

"That I'm sure I can handle, Mrs. Williams."

An hour later, during the in-flight movie, Gwen's mind began to wonder if perhaps Jack _did_ have an ulterior motive for sending them on this trip.

* * *

The first day was absolutely perfect. They had an elaborate dinner under the stars. The room service and suite were definitely proof of the resort's five-star status. And the beach was all theirs aside from a few other couples. It was a paradise honeymoon in which everything was textbook fantastic.

That's when day two dropped into their laps.

Rhys was sunning himself on the beach while Gwen took a quick dip in the ocean. The salty water was warm and she coyly eyed her husband, hoping she could persuade him to join her for a swim. Rhys grinned, knowing all too well what that look meant. Well, he shrugged as he stood, the beach _was_ empty. And a little shag in the surf would definitely one-up their tryst on the balcony the night before.

Just as Rhys reached the water, they heard a loud roaring sound and saw a large shadow pass over them. As they warily looked up to the sky, Gwen swore. A large spacecraft, which was clearly having engine troubles, was plummeting towards the earth.

So much for a relaxing honeymoon.

At first, Gwen tried to pretend it hadn't happened; stubbornly glancing away as the spaceship crashed into the forest nearby the resort. She dove under the waves in a vain attempt to convince herself that she wasn't seeing this. Not here. Not now.

When she surfaced, she found that Rhys had already made it back to the beach and was grabbing up their things.

"Come on, Gwen. We've gotta go..." he paused. "Should we go make a rental of a tennis racquet or something or did you bring your gun?"

She swore again and vowed that if Jack had anything to do with this that she would make him regret it.

* * *

Dressed in their brightly colored vacation clothes and armed with nothing more than a tennis racquet and a croquet mallet, Gwen and Rhys trudged through the forest towards the smoking spaceship.

Finding a gathering of bushes to one side that seemed to act well for camouflage, Gwen pulled out her cell phone and dialed up Jack. If anyone would be able to identify this threat without having to search through a database, it'd be him.

Of course, Jack wasn't answering.

"Call Ianto," Rhys murmured in her ear. Ever since Rhys had found out that Jack and Ianto were together, Ianto had become his favorite person at Torchwood.

Gwen paused, crouching down in the bushes and motioning for Rhys to do that same. The hatch of the spacecraft was coming open.

"Hello?" Ianto's voice echoed over the phone.

"Shhh!" Gwen hushed him, whispering as loud as she felt safe doing so. "Ianto, we've got a problem."

"Aren't you still on your honeymoon?" He queried.

"Yes, we are. And an alien spacecraft decided to park right next to our resort, wasn't that nice of them?"

"Ah. They must have heard how fun your wedding was and popped by to wish you well."

"Ianto!"

"Sorry. What can I do to help?"

Gwen squinted, trying to get a good look at the two aliens that had emerged from the spaceship to survey the damage. The best way to describe them, Gwen surmised, was green noodles. They were yellow-green, with three legs that they toddled about on. On their thin bodies they wore some semblance of a shirt. Sticking out of the holes, they had two arms and a round head with one eye directly in the middle. And to top off the whole 'little green alien' deal, atop their head was a small little singular antenna that bobbed about as they walked. If there wasn't the possibility that they would kill her, Gwen would have to admit they were rather cute.

Calmly, Gwen relayed their description to Ianto.

"Hmm. Not sure, let me put Jack on the line."

"Jack's _right there_?"

Ianto caught the anger in her tone and took a wild guess. "I'll remind him to keep his phone on next time."

Before Gwen could retort, Rhys nudged her. "I think they spotted us."

Sure enough, the two aliens both had their eye focused on them. Gwen steeled her nerve, clutched her croquet mallet, and passed off the phone to Rhys.

"See if Jack knows what it is, I'll try to keep it from killing us in the meantime."

Rhys pecked a kiss on her cheek. "Go get um."

Slowly walking out from the bushes, Gwen held one hand up in a gesture of peace but kept the mallet gripped tightly in the other. "Hello? Can I help you?"

The two aliens conversed in their native tongue before turning back to her.

"I...no...we, it's 'we' right, Flinexly?"

The one Gwen supposed was 'Flinexly' replied, "I think so. We should have studied Earth tongue better, Veranly."

"Ah. We didn't expect any earth aliens to see us. Sorry about this."

Flinexly fumbled with something in his hands and Gwen tensed. Rhys saw the alien hold up the long, rifle-sized thing and he lifted the phone to his ear.

"Hey, anyone there?"

A smooth male voice replied, "Hello, this is your Captain speaking. How may I help you?"

"Damnit Jack, this isn't the time!" Rhys swore. "The alien's have gone and pulled out a gun and all Gwen's got is a bloody mallet!"

"Hmm," Jack hummed to himself. "Do they have two tongues?"

"What?"

"The aliens."

"How should I know?"

"Well, if they do, then they're from Plorginaar and they're harmless. Probably tourists. But if they only have one tongue, they're from Harsnextar and will probably kill you."

"Brilliant," Rhys muttered, worriedly glancing back over to Gwen. To his relief, the alien wielding the possible weapon opened its mouth long enough for Rhys to spot the two tongues.

"Two tongues, safe," he told Jack. "How'd you know that anyways?"

He could practically _hear_ Jack smirking over the phone. "Oh, you'd notice the two tongues if you'd been in my position with them before. Between that and the three legs, it can get rather kinky."

Rhys rolled his eyes. "So why is it holding a gun again?"

The alien finally found the button it was looking for and an umbrella popped open. Gwen jumped in surprise, but quickly composed herself.

"Umbrella?" Gwen muttered.

"Oh is that what Earth aliens call it?" Veranly asked.

Gwen sighed, rubbing at her temples. "Rhys, any word from Jack?"

"He says they're safe. Well and went on in detail about their two tongues, if you get my drift."

Gwen rolled her eyes, putting down the mallet and walking slowly towards the aliens.

"I'm guessing you're having ship problems. Can I help?"

Flinexly shrugged, "The suite ship came with auto-repair. It will just take a...a... Veranly, what's the word for passage of time here?"

"An hour Earth time, dear."

"Ah. It will just take an hour to fix itself. Not exactly how we planned on spending our honeymoon, but we...err...I suppose it will have to do."

"Honeymoon?" Gwen asked flabbergasted. She turned to Rhys to see him talking on the phone.

"Well, thanks and all. Looks like Gwen's handling it," he mumbled.

"Wait, I forgot something very important!"

Rhys froze, his eyes widening as Jack told him. "Please, tell me you're joking."

"What is it?" Gwen asked warily as she approached.

"He's saying we can only save the world if we have an orgy."

Gwen blanched, "With the aliens?"

Rhys paused, handing her the phone. "No. With him and Ianto."

A growl rumbled in the back of her throat as she snarled into the receiver, "Jack Harkness, you'd better be joking."

"Well, it wouldn't _hurt_," Jack replied; trying and failing to sound innocent.

She could hear Ianto chuckling in the background and made a mental note to get back at both of them for this. Hanging up on them, and hoping that there wasn't anything _actually_ important about these aliens that they needed to know, Gwen pocketed the phone and took Rhys's hand.

"Rhys, I talked to the aliens. They said that they're on their honeymoon too."

"You're kidding me."

Veranly walked over to them, smiling. "I take it you are celebrating such an event as well given your surprise?"

Gwen nodded, and Veranly called over to Flinexly. "Dear, they're on their honeymoon too. I think we crashed into it."

"Oh, sorry about that," the alien replied, positioning the umbrella in the ground. "Do join us for... what is it called, Vera?"

"Beach resorting. I heard Earth aliens think it's the best honeymoon kind. You are welcome to join us; we have brought the traditional Earth supplies for it."

That's when they noticed the small cooler, towels and beach wear sitting in a pile by the hatch to the spaceship.

"Well Rhys, what do you say?"

He grinned, looking to the alien couple. "We'd be delighted to join you while you wait for your ship to repair."

Flinexly and Veranly smiled. Flinexly introduced himself and his husband Veranly. Gwen and Rhys shook their three-fingered hands and said that they were glad to spend their honeymoon with them. The two couples set up beach chairs beside the ship, along with umbrellas. Flinexly pulled out what Rhys swore was a daiquiri from his cooler and Veranly shared a piece of what looked like an orange and purple watermelon.

After brief introductions were made, Gwen asked about their planet of Plorginaar and the two got into a long winded tale about their home. Then Rhys got them completely enamored in an elaborate telling of his alien encounters with space whales and wedding-crashing shape shifters.

As the aliens had told them, the ship was as good as new in one hour's time. The two couples said their goodbyes to their new friends, Flinexly insisting on giving Gwen a rare Plorginaar crystal and Rhys gave Veranly his loud Hawaiian shirt since the alien had been eying with interest.

"I hope you have a wonderful rest of your honeymoon," Veranly told them.

"You too," Gwen replied, waving the aliens off.

The spaceship took off, leaving a strange indent in the forest that Gwen knew people would think of akin to a crop-circle. As soon as the ship was out of sight, Gwen turned to Rhys and noticed the broad smile on his face.

"So...?"

His grin got wider. "That was the most amazing thing in the world that I will never be able to tell anyone about."

Gwen returned his grin and prodded his bare chest, "Well, we can always tell my co-workers about it if you really need to boast."

"Speaking of that, did you see how orange Veranly blushed when I asked about the two tongue thing?"

"Leave it to Jack to inadvertently make an alien blush."

"Do you think we should call him back?"

A mischievous smirk grew on Gwen's face. "Oh sure I will. Once I think up a really good story about how we had a foursome, I'll definitely call up Jack."

The two laughed at that and Rhys leaned down and pressed a kiss to Gwen's forehead. "You're wicked, you know that?"

Gwen's hand snaked up behind his neck and toyed with his hair. "Oh I know you know it."

Rhys raised an eyebrow and tilted his head back towards the resort. "So... can we get the twosome part of this imaginary foursome started?"

Gwen pressed herself up against him and grinned. "Most definitely."

Joining hands, the two raced back to the resort laughing. And in both their minds it was clear; aliens crashing their honeymoon were much better than aliens crashing their wedding.

THE END


End file.
